Why can't we just be friends?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Arem, May 18, 2017.

  1. equinitis

    equinitis Senior Member

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    My money would be on you. Men seem to like women who make it clear they don't expect anything but friendship. No demands for phone calls, texts etc. No whining about your SO (or theirs). No whining about the need to eat healthy or lose weight, what clothes fit right, etc. Just eat, drink and be merry (and train of course)!
     
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  2. CupcakeCoquette

    CupcakeCoquette Full Member

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    Ugh ugh ugh.

    I was in a private school for the first few years, and there were very few other girls in my classes, so I think a lot of my friends then were guys. And then when I got into gaming, a lot of my friends were guys for the same reason - not a lot of girls in the groups I was playing with, and the girls I WAS friends with tended to also be kind of geeky/awkward/introverted, because common interests and all. But I've always been extra-awkward about everything, and felt like I was "behind" most of the other girls in my age group, because they grew up and went to college and had boyfriends and kids and all that stuff, and I'd still rather just be playing with my toys. Even when I've had boyfriends, I didn't do it well, and I didn't move in with a guy for the first time until I was 35 (and it has gone equally not well). I didn't find out that "asexual" was actually a term I could use to define myself until just a few years ago, and I still have people telling me that I'm not *really* asexual because I do sometimes develop an interest in what I call "imaginary" boys - characters from books, movies, whatever. So I actually LOVE fandom, shipping, etc. (I don't get crazy about my ships, though, and I know how to avoid ships or kinks I don't enjoy. I've never understood why that's so hard for some fangirls/boys. That's why tags and trigger warnings exist! 0.o ) But I don't have any desire for real-life sex, and the only point to a relationship, for me, is to establish a long-term gaming partner.

    Which is where MY biggest problem with this one stems from - I'm heavily into a specific variation on online role-playing games, that are almost more like joint story writing than something you do with dice and character sheets. I started out on all-ages servers, but the sites I play on now are all 18+ not necessarily because *I'm* looking for adult-oriented role-play, but just because it became easier to find the style and quality I was coming to expect from writing partners there. But they're 18+ specifically because there are people who DO want the option of more sexually-charged encounters, so obviously we can't have minors there.

    Most people are pretty chill about things, with the sites being divided by genre (so you want fantasy, like I do? You go to the fantasy section. You want vampires? You go to the vampire section. You want drugs and gang warfare? There's even an app a section for that). But there's a definite component who believe, "It's an adult site; therefore everyone MUST take part in the adult things, and anyone who doesn't is being a prudish baby." So if you don't enjoy looking at ****ographic images, why are you on the site? (Because there's roleplay here.) If you don't want to do sexual play, why are you on the site? (...because there are other types of roleplay here.) It's just online; why are you getting so upset about someone "touching" you when there's no actual physical contact? (Because I'm so avoidant of the real thing, sexual or otherwise, that even the idea is upsetting to me, and whether or not there's actual contact, there's still intent behind it.) It's just online, it's not cheating, stop acting like it is. (Maybe in your relationships it's not, and that's great, I won't tell you how to run your life, but in mine it IS, and you not understanding or agreeing with why we set that limit doesn't invalidate it.)

    (But I have almost the opposite problem, too - people who JUST want to be friends, and quit caring about the game once they have access to me outside it. So apparently I'm supposed to be there to provide entertainment and conversation 24/7, which is fun for them but not for me, but saying, "So, um, hey, are we ever going to get back to playing this game that we met through and was something I thought we BOTH had fun doing?" is asking too much. -.-)
     
  3. Breezah

    Breezah Senior Member

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    @Arem As a fellow BBC Sherlock fan, the whole Johnlock thing bothers the heck outta me, too. The worst part is trying to have an intelligent conversation with fans because of their completely unattractive, blind devotion to the idea. They just won't see anything else, and, as they say, 'you only see what you want to see'. I find that this is a very common notion where any fandom can become a victim, especially when these fandoms attract younger viewers in their early teens. And I do understand, to a point. They aren't overly familiar with complex relationships between people yet, so tend to over-romanticize (hey, they do it with horses, too!). I think it's disappointing because the strong friendship between Sherlock and John is a rare one, and it's a fully satisfying friendship without being sexual, yet people try to over complicate it for some reason instead of seeing it for what it is.

    And of course this is the reason why you don't see many of these strong relationships on television or in real life -- because people are immediately going to make incorrect assumptions and it's tiresome.

    Luckily, I find that "annoying fangirl" phase is something most people usually grow out of as they age and become a little wiser. But unfortunately, these individuals are simply replaced by a new generation eventually! At this point, I just chalk it up to kids being ignorant. It's just a maturity thing

    All of my friends growing up were boys, too. And my parents (and theirs) never had a problem with it. Heck, even when we had sleepovers we all slept in the same bed!! I never had anyone impose on my that it wasn't okay to have boys as friends, and surprisingly no one ever called me nasty names because of it. But I think that's because my friendships were truly and obviously genuine with them - I was never flirty or anything of the sort, I was openly just a friend to them and I don't think anyone could have suggested otherwise. It was just so blatantly obvious to anyone watching that I wasn't friends with them for attention or anything petty like that.

    I still don't have many girlfriends today. Girls are catty, and I always feel like the majority if them are being fake-nice to me or are just talking to me to learn things about me, then turn around and gossip. Girls just talk about each other too much behind closed doors, and you know what, I've been done with that kind of behavior since I was 3. No thanks. The girls I do hang out with, I do so rarely and mostly at parties, and they are more like "fair weather friends"; I don't really have a desire to develop deep friendships with them.
     
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  4. BossMare16

    BossMare16 Senior Member

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    I think I would've ended up much more like those who are "one of the guys" if my mom hadn't been the one to do the "shipping." Even now if I just talk about guys I'm friends with, just messing around being stupid she'll find some way to suggest we were flirting. My best friend from kindergarten to second grade (he moved away to Spain, then came back and gave me the cold shoulder.. ouch) was a boy and we always wanted to have sleepovers but my mom always said something might happen.... we were SIX! It ended up teaching me that boys and girls have to be sexualized, even now it can be a struggle to discern between friendly and flirting just because of how I was taught.

    Girls are also very catty, my best friend of last year who I was very close with.. I never would've imagined we wouldn't be talking anymore. Now I just have some friends in each class and in lunch that I talk with but would never invite out or to my house. My only solid friend right now is a girl I met at a horse show who lives in New York, we skype and snapchat all the time. (If y'all are bored her mom puts her jumping videos on YouTube under Christine Rothenberg) Off my soapbox now, I can't see our friendship disappearing anytime soon but things change.
     
  5. Arem

    Arem Senior Member

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    I love you.
    Platonically :p
     
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  6. Arem

    Arem Senior Member

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    Girls are rough. Average ones, anyway.
     
  7. Arem

    Arem Senior Member

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    As I've been thinking about it, in the novels I'm writing and stories I'd write as a kid, my female main characters never really have close female friends either. Always at least one close male friend, though. Every. Single. One.

    Because I am still a romantic, inspite of my asexuality (I like the idea of romance), she usually does have a separate love interest, too. Although, that is also there to try to dissuade people from trying to ship her with her best friend.

    You could take the romance out of them, though, and still have a good story. But if you removed her male best friend? Nothing. And I'm generally more fond of her friends than her loves.

    I do have one female main character that, if I ever wrote a sequel, she and her best friend would probably be married. But rather than a change in their relationship, it would be more of a "Why don't we get married?" "Sure! Why not." And they do. Still more best friends than lovers.
     
  8. CJ

    CJ Senior Member

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    Gossip or hormones seems to have people convinced that any close friendship = "something going on", between m/f or s/s. Some people seem to think m/f cant keep their hands off each other, and s/s together without o/s present must be a 'couple'. :rolleyez: Take public opinion out of the equation, add a lil restraint and its perfectly Possible and pretty easy for m/f to be platonic friends.
    I have married friends, Im single; Im Not considered any threat by the wives or tease by the hubbys. Im not gay or (arguably) unattractive. I Was bullied in general (by girls) and emotionally abused horribly by a guy in school, which left 'marks'. My friends know better than to try to 'set me up', and we all joke of any potential prospects "one false move and shell kill them". I say "No i dont have a boyfriend, but I dont have a girlfriend either." Sadly, too/ many trips to my equally independent friends house down the road has us going "Man, people are going to think were gay!" Its a sad social commentary, because its not true, or anybodys business.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
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  9. Dona Worry

    Dona Worry Senior Member

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    Alright.
    Pet peeve time.
    Ready??

    I really really REALLY hate it when women say 'I'm not like most girls'. It is almost always a form of bashing, mocking someone for what, exactly? Being different from you. That is it. Drives me nuts, especially because the crimes of 'most girls' are generally petty--they like makeup, they listen to Bieber. A guy that informs me I am not like most girls will be dropped like a hot brick.
    It is my experience that most girls are kind, strong, forgiving and humble, and that is something worth striving for, not rejecting.
     
  10. HayleyS

    HayleyS Senior Member

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    I am firmly in the camp that get tired of everyone who assumes if I am friends with a guy there has to be more there. I have always had way more guy friends than girl friends. I find most guys way easier to relate to, and way less drama. Haha I do have some very close girl friends, and my bff, but, I also have a lot of very close guy friends, and they are just that, friends.

    I get it all the time at work. How do you work with all those guys? How do you spend the night at the station with just guys? Do their girlfriends/wives get jealous? For the most part I have given up explaining that it isn't like that, at all!
     
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