The Politically Incorrect Horse Buyer's Guide

Discussion in 'Horse Chat' started by slc, Jan 3, 2018.

  1. slc

    slc Senior Member

    Feb 19, 2004
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    Translation for horse buyers:

    He's 100% sound! --> He is so lame he can barely walk.

    100% safe for children! --> He's a one-horse population control device.

    NEVER Bucks!--> He really bucks A LOT. Like, all the time.

    Everyone loves him! ---> He's had a hell of a lot of different owners over the last two years.

    Needs front shoes. ---> He's real lame in both front legs. Whether he's got shoes on or not. Pretty much all the time. We have never bothered to have a vet look at that. We decided to sell him instead.

    Dressage horse. ---> He gets lame if we do any jumping. And we want to jump, so we're selling him.

    Ready to move up. ----> We haven't been riding him because he's pretty lame.

    Loves water! ---> Would never even get NEAR a water jump. That's why we're selling him, in fact.

    Loves to jump! ---> Jumps out of the paddock about once a day, but refuses to even step over a pole on the ground when you actually want to jump something.

    Trained to 3rd Level dressage! ---> In some alternate dimension.

    No rear, bolt, buck! ---> He shies CONSTANTLY.

    Great brakes! ---> No one has ever been able to get him to move. At all.

    90 days of professional training--> And then he killed the trainer.

    Just need to get what we put into him. ---> He's priced at $10,000 more than he should be.

    Broke to drive! ----> We put a harness on him once. Well, everything but the britchin' and crupper. And the bridle. And the breast strap. We actually just put the girth on him, without the britchin' and crupper. We took them off because we figured he might not like it. He's never actually been attached to a vehicle or anything like that.

    So much potential! --> Has no training.

    Will be your best friend! ----> If you never actually try to get him to do anything.

    Training Level dressage! ---> Has no training.

    First level dressage! ---> Has no training.

    Great trail horse! ----> Has no training, and is probably unsound.

    Gentle as a lamb! --> A 2000 lb demonic lamb on drugs.

    Lots of ground work! ---> We are afraid to ride him because he is one mean SOB.

    Great barrel prospect! -----> Ain't nobody can figure out how to get him to stop.

    Thick! ---> In the head. Pretty flimsy otherwise, though.

    Slow-legged. ---> No one's ever been able to get him to move. He's been standing in the same spot since we got him.

    Needs consistency. ----> You need to gallop the snot out of him for an hour every day or he will kill you.

    Just needs mileage. -----> Better stock up on Acepromazine and make your next instructor someone who makes money riding bareback broncs in the rodeo.

    Needs a special person. ----> He spooks. ALL THE TIME. Even in his stall.

    Just passed a vet exam! -----> The only way he could pass a vet exam is if he was in vet school, and there was an exam on spooking, biting and rolling while saddled.

    Playful! ----> Bites like a SOB. No nipping, mind you, this is the comin' at you, mouth wide open, kind of biting.

    Entertains us all the time! ----> He rolls while saddled.

    Loves kids! ---> As an appetizer. Followed by an adult as a main course.

    16.1 hands! ---> 14.2 1/2 hands. Unless that's what you want. Then he's 18.3 hands.

    Responsive to leg aids! ----> Don't move your leg our you will feel like you just got launched out of a cannon.

    Needs a quiet confident rider. ----> Doesn't really matter who rides him, who ever it is, he just spooks a hell of a lot. Like all the time.

    Low man on the totem pole! ---> All the other horses are scared to death of him 'cause he's one mean SOB.

    Same horse every day, even if you don't ride for a month! ---> No one can get him to move. Ever.

    Very expressive! ---> One time, we were trail riding, and he saw a pony, and mounted it.

    Loves turnout! ---> We haven't ever been able to catch him. He just stays out there. All the time.

    Gelding ----> Maybe, we're not sure. Our neighbor did him with a pocket knife.

    Very advanced in his training! -----> We broke him when he was 1 1/2. Now he's lame.

    In foal to <Some Stallion>! ----> Probably not in foal and if in foal, not to <Some Stallion>. The neighbor's 2 year old Frankenstud did get loose 6 months ago, though. Or it might be the other neighbor's donkey that got her. We don't really know.

    Proven broodmare! ---> We're not sure why, but we've never been able to get her in foal.

    Too many horses! ---> Yeah, we have exactly one too many, and it's this one.

    Needs to go ASAP! --> We despise him so much, we can't stand to look at him for another second.

    Super deal! ----> We're right on the brink of paying you to take him away.

    Great home a must! ---> We really just want to get rid of him. We don't care where he goes. If you don't take him, we're tying him to a lamp post in downtown Bethesda tomorrow.
    Blue-Roan, gaitedboomer and mkoktavy like this.
  2. venomvalleyequi

    venomvalleyequi Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2012
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    90 days of professional training- well the trainer sat on her 5 times.... #beenthere
    gaitedboomer and slc like this.
  3. Dona Worry

    Dona Worry Senior Member

    May 11, 2016
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    "May be bred" = super pregnant if you don't want a foal, not pregnant at all if a foal is all you want.
    slc and gaitedboomer like this.
  4. PyroTekNik333

    PyroTekNik333 Senior Member

    Jul 22, 2008
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    Clean slate aka never been touched. Like ever. We're not even sure we can get a rope on him. Bring a stock trailer and panels....
  5. venomvalleyequi

    venomvalleyequi Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2012
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    Proven w/t contender- bucks and says fudge off my back when asked to canter
    slc likes this.
  6. venomvalleyequi

    venomvalleyequi Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2012
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    Proven Winner- was only horse in class
    Rides well in groups - buddy sour as hell when alone.
    iloverockies and slc like this.
  7. Alsosusieq2

    Alsosusieq2 Senior Member

    Mar 30, 2016
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    Cute and scarily accurate on some. :)
    slc likes this.
  8. Binca

    Binca Senior Member

    Mar 18, 2014
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    "Gelding ----> Maybe, we're not sure. Our neighbor did him with a pocket knife."

    Plot twist- it's actually a mare.
    slc and ILuvMyAppyQH like this.
  9. Bakkir

    Bakkir Senior Member

    Nov 15, 2010
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    Grade = No idea how old this horse is or where it came from

    Started = I sat on it and got bucked off

    Broke = Horse doesn't do anything bad under saddle - YET!

    Smart = PITA

    Pretty = a sucker born every minute
    slc likes this.
  10. brl_rcr72

    brl_rcr72 Full Member

    Aug 25, 2017
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    Just saw an ad : "loves arena work" aka most likely spooks at its own shadow or bolts back to the barn lol
    Dona Worry and slc like this.

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