Question about grieving, SO pushing me away?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by ThatSleepyTB, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. ThatSleepyTB

    ThatSleepyTB Senior Member

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    My live-in boyfriends father passed two nights ago.

    That morning, my bf went to be with his family, understandably. Since then, he indicated that he doesn't want me to be with him or his family during this time. I understand he is going through probably the hardest day of his life to date. But i cannot help but feel so, so hurt. Ive texted and offered support, but his replies are minimal and he won't call at all. It's been two days, and I havent heard from him at all today.


    I am sort of beside myself. We have been together for a year. We have a good relationship. Can anyone offer me advice, words of encouragement, anything? I know he's so heartbroken, and I don't want to be selfish and push him for reasons or answers, but I can't help but feel heartbroken as well. I don't want to stress him more. But I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. If anything. He's made it clear he wants to be alone with his family. I guess I just assumed that I was the closest person to him, and he would want my support or presence. But he wants everyone else present.
     
  2. mooselady

    mooselady Senior Member

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    So sorry to read of a loss so close to you, such a difficult time.

    I guess this is one time when it really is all about him, and not you. When it comes to dealing with a loss like this, there is no right and wrong way to go about dealing with it, each person walks their own unique and painful path through the whole process, so advice is hard to give.

    BUT

    Be confident that he is not trying to shut you out, and you are still important to him, but maybe not what he needs right now. All you can do is remain supportive, let him know you are there for him whenever he needs you, but you understand his need for family right now. Offer practical help if you can, let him know that you are happy to run errands, bring food, baby sit pets, anything that needs to be done.

    It is very early days, so just be supportive and wait until he needs you!
     
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  3. Peanut Palomino

    Peanut Palomino Senior Member

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    Agree with Mooselady, this isn't about you (I don't mean that harshly). Give him his space and let him grieve in whatever way feels natural to him.

    In the past when I've dealt with a loss, I NEED to be alone for a couple days at least. The people close to me can't help me. I need my own space to process things, and then when I'M ready, I seek the people I need. But not before I'm ready. I don't answer calls, I don't talk to anyone. I've unfortunately experienced a lot of loss in my life and have a pretty good understanding of my own process. It's not about anyone else. Grief is personal, horrible, and there is no right or wrong way to get through it.

    I'm sorry that you're feeling shut out, but you need to be understanding of his needs right now and just let him be. He'll come around when he's ready.
     
  4. ChestersMomma

    ChestersMomma Senior Moderator Staff Member

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    My boyfriend did the same thing when an army friend passed away and also when his mom started getting sick (liver failure due to alcohol abuse). One time he didn't speak to me for three days. It was very hard for me because I do not like or respect his mom. I had to get over myself. It was not and is not about me. He apologizes for the behavior and has gotten better with being more open to me over time (we've been together 4 years), but it still sucks. Hugs!
     
  5. prairiesongks

    prairiesongks Senior Member

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    Everybody deals with the grief of death in their own way. I suspect for your SO, right now being with his family is what he needs most as they deal with all the decisions of burial, the service, and a memorial, memories of better times, splitting up his possessions, providing for his wife, and all the upheaval at this time. Give him the space and time he needs and be there for him when he is ready.
     
  6. cowgirl247

    cowgirl247 Senior Member

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    I agree with everyone else saying that everyone grieves differently. When my mom died, my way of grieving was to just kind of push it to the back of my mind. I mean, I still had to go to work and I had to figure out how to cook meals for the family and do the shopping, pick up mom's medications (she had cancer), keep the house clean, etc. the way I saw it, I didn't have time to grieve as we were going through it and I couldn't do it in front of my mother because it meant I lost time with her. So I'd cry into my pillow at night. And I don't like to cry in front of people and I have cousins who have lost a father so I knew I could talk to them....but I'd never do it face to face with them, I'd only talk about it via email or phone call. It's been almost 5 years since my mom died and it took me maybe a year before I was comfortable talking about my mom's death.

    One thing that really ticked me off and made me see red and that I heard a lot after my mom died was "I know what you're going through". No you don't. And also don't say "it gets better". One or two days after my mom died, her older sister and her husband drove down here and my uncle actually said that as he hugged me. "It gets better". The only way it gets "better" is if my mother is still here and no longer sick. I did know what he meant to say though.

    Give him space and he'll come around when he's ready.
     
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  7. QHshowmanship

    QHshowmanship Senior Member

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    My Papa just passed away a week ago. My brother has pretty much excluded himself from everything. He was at the viewing (in the back) and the funeral - but hasn't been around much any other time. It seems guys deal with things differently. A lot do not like to show emotion (like my brother) - so separating yourself makes you feel better about yourself.

    Just allow him to do his thing. He knows you are there and when things start to settle down he will come around.
     
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  8. ThatSleepyTB

    ThatSleepyTB Senior Member

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    Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate all of the replies, experiences, advice and well wishes. He texted a couple short messages last night, mostly that he was ok and he thought he might be home today, and I was welcome to attend the services Friday. Though, no communication today. I know I need to just passively be here, and I'm trying so hard to not get discouraged. After all, he lost his father and his life will never be the same. I'm not mad at him. I'm so frustrated with the situation, and it really does help knowing that this isn't (I don't want to say 'uncommon') ...unheard of? Thanks again though, to everyone that's offered some advice and kind words.
     
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  9. lucky_pine

    lucky_pine Senior Member

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    So sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a parent, I can't imagine how he feels.

    When my brother passed away, I isolated myself from everyone for a solid week if not more. It was freezing cold, below zero, and I chose to hang out in the pasture with my horses when people would come over to offer condolences. I appreciated all the thoughts and food and everything people brought us and gave us. I did. I just didn't want to be near anyone. I needed that time to accept the fact he was gone, and deal with it before dealing with people. I didn't return to school for several days. It'll pass. Just be there for him when he needs it, that's the biggest thing. Don't hold it against him.
     
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  10. Halter_Mom

    Halter_Mom Senior Member

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    When my dad passed away 2 years ago ( Feb 10,2014) I didn't want anyone arround me. Not hubby not my daughter no body. I couldn't keep food down when or if I even ate. I just wanted to be alone. I'd hide in the closet in the bathroom and not come out for hours. Only quiet place in the house I just needed time to be alone. I get how he feels. And I bet hubby felt the same way your feeling.
    It doesn't get better it gets easier if you can say that but now even 2 years later I bawl at the thought of him and EVERYTHING seems to remind me of him.
    I feel like hubby wouldn't understand not being in my shoes so I shut him out when it comes to dad's death. Sometimes you just need to be alone. And that's OK.
     

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