PUBLIC APOLOGY TO ALL AT HGS (Now My Horse Forum)

Discussion in 'Horse Chat' started by Reinsaway, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Reinsaway

    Reinsaway Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2014
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    32
    I have appeared on these forums as Reinsaway, jabigail96, Belgianlover, BLMustang, and possibly others? Almost always under false pretenses that I at least partially truly believed. ( Or made myself to believe? ) I abused this amazing platform, and as I'm healing I increasingly am haunted by the crushed feeling of every time I was found out, or I realized I was blatantly creating these scenarios sometimes even involving real horses with whom I had no connection, and I feel all of you deserve an explanation. I'm not asking for sympathy, or to ever be allowed back here, I just want to make things right. (Sorry for the length)

    So about three years ago now, I was in a really bad spot. The psychological abuse I have suffered since birth at the hands of my mother, and later my father and stepmom (I wont go onto details) Led to me seeking any outlet that might make me feel like I really existed, drifting into full psychosis at times.. but unfortunately this often left out any sense of judgement as to how people on the outside may be affected. I wasn't raised in a way that left me with much of a sense of morality, or how our words can effect other people very harshly (I have heard Sticks and Stones thrown around more times than i could possibly count) I was raised from a young age being told all of my shortcomings, with few kind words ever used, and my one comfort was to retreat to my bedroom and play with my breyers.. dreaming of how one day I could have horses.

    Horses had always been my main drive in life, whenever I thought of what I wanted to go to college for, it was whatever would make me enough to own horses. I would scrape and save until i bought my first saddle, and I think thats the worst thing my mother ever did do to me, was support my dreams just long enough to have something with which to completely destroy my spirit..

    For a couple years there, I practically lived on the internet, obsessing over ways i might be able to juggle owning a horse, and it spiraled into any means of escaping into a world where at least i felt like it was about to happen. What started as various online RPG's quickly manifested into finding this forum, and feeling the ache of the desire to be like any one of you on here.. I was 17 when I first started making posts about my "soon to be horses" and even tried to start a horse rescue so that i could afford to care for a draft mare I had fallen in love with online. (Bennett Eminent Bess, for those who aren't familiar with my transgressions) It was when I started asking for donations and people became questioning that it had gotten deep enough that i could see what i was doing.. and at that point it became damage control.. I tried everything to make people believe in my cause just so I wouldn't be hated. One person even called me between high school classes to ask questions.

    As each persona crumbled I felt exposed, like a turtle without a shell, and I would just go and create another to try and rebuild that safety blanket, that false sense of security, it was when one of my final persona's broke that i suffered a mental break that ended in my trying to escape my home by moving in with my estranged father, which ended in physical abuse and being locked in a room with no sort of enrichment (internet, books, TV) for a total of 3 months.. Only to finally return "home" to the lesser of two evils.. It got so bad that I got to a point where i lost my personality, I lost my will, and i was basically just a shell that my mother could order around as she pleased.

    I'm happy to say that I have finally escaped, and finally started healing. Even better I now have real horses in my life! (I'm now a working student for a local trainer) I feel like putting what I have done out in the open is the only real way to begin the process of accepting what went on in my past, and if I am ever to be accepted on this forum (which I am prepared for the alternative) My past shortcomings need to be known.

    I sincerely apologize for the lies, and also to the horses I dishonestly shared as my own. I hope at least some of you find in in your hearts to forgive me, and I will answer any questions and sincerely take to heart anything you guys have to say..

    If you want evidence of my new "horsie claims" or you want to message me for confirmation my facebook is HERE
    (Me and Lexi, one of the lesson horses at the barn I work at)
    [​IMG]
     
  2. Dona Worry

    Dona Worry Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2016
    Messages:
    5,094
    Likes Received:
    9,968
    Hey, everyone does things they regret.
    This was all online--Nobody was hurt.
    Deep breath.
    I am glad you seem to be in a better place now, and I hope you continue to heal. :cheerleader:
    I think you should PM an administrator directly. . . Creating multiple false accounts generally results in a permanent ban on any forum, and that may very well be what you get, but it never hurts to discuss it with a mod.
     
    Meesha likes this.
  3. Reinsaway

    Reinsaway Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2014
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    32
    Where can I find a mod to message?
     
  4. ginster

    ginster Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2012
    Messages:
    2,724
    Likes Received:
    3,300
    @Jim_in_PA @ChestersMomma
    Contact either of them. Or maybe they will come and chgeck this thread now.
    I hope you'll continue your journey to getting and staying healthy.
    Do you have access to orofessional help to deal vwith your trauma?
    I am so sorry you had to go through this and am glad to hear you managed to get out!
     
  5. Reinsaway

    Reinsaway Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2014
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    32
    Ill PM them both, and yes, I am now in a supportive environment, a state away from my abusers, and have access to mental healthcare.
     
  6. RelaxMax

    RelaxMax Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2014
    Messages:
    1,887
    Likes Received:
    4,371
    Takes a lot of bravery to come here and completely expose yourself and be an open book. I hope you stay and make the most of the forums and continue to get healthy.
     
  7. Friesiangirl

    Friesiangirl Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2005
    Messages:
    11,902
    Likes Received:
    4,438
    You are more than welcome to PM me if you ever need an ear.

    I grew up around these parts. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Older members remember when I ran away from home. I had a lot of abuse growing up. It took years to recover but the horses were an immense part of that.

    It does get better.

    And it seems like you're beginning to build a life that will help you believe that.
     
  8. NBChoice

    NBChoice Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    3,299
    Likes Received:
    5,718
    Thank you for your honesty and apology. That takes courage.
     
  9. VermilionStrife

    VermilionStrife Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2012
    Messages:
    5,232
    Likes Received:
    5,661
    I also hope you stay and have learned from your past actions. All we ask for here is honesty. We want to help people, if they are willing to be helped.

    On an unrelated note, I think I might know that barn. The arena looks familiar. I sold a horse to a girl in McMinnville back in 2010 and delivered him.
     
    Friesiangirl likes this.
  10. Reinsaway

    Reinsaway Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2014
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    32
    Really? This is Circle C Ranch in Yamhill, right next to Mcminnville (Basically just the countryside around it) I know all the horses in the barn so if you have a description I could see if he/she is there (And otherwise Sandy my trainer knows EVERYBODY who owns horses around here, Im sure she could track him down if you would like an update.) Mcminnville is where I now live!
     
    VermilionStrife and Friesiangirl like this.

Share This Page