I spoke about this on a few threads and I decided to make my own "journal" of sorts. Summay I have had an eating disorder since I was 5 years old. It's not puking, binging, or even a weight issue, it's a phobia/OCD issue. I hate food, if I didn't have to eat I wouldn't. So I eat my favorite things only. These are my "safe" foods. Anything outside of that is terrifying. I will legitimately either **** or panic when presenting with something that isn't normal. I eat as little as possible, sometimes I will binge if I really like what I am eating. I was diagnosed with a food phobia when I was 14 and it hasn't been visited since. My health is declining and I fear if I don't get control over this it'll end up killing me. I only eat junkfood. I go through phases when I'll eat a specific thing. Right now it's cereal, peanut butter sandwiches, and a few random things. During the summer it was doritos, monster, and mentos. I will crave specific things for a while and then it changes. For most of my life I assumed it was a texture issue. It goes beyond a texture thing and I found this out the hard way. I was eating a grilled cheese and they used a different cheese, it was white. The consistency and taste was the same, the only thing different was the color. I became consumed by the fact that it was white. Everything tuned out and I kept repeating in my head "it's white" puking...on the food....I was so embarrassed and I knew this has got to stop. I avoid social situations, family gatherings, even dating because of this. It consumes my life and has controlled me since I could remember. It didn't start off as a fear. It was a manipulation tool I used against my mom. She was abusive and I used food as a way to control her and my father. One day I told my mom when she was offering broccoli "I don't like it" and her response "Then you don't have to eat it". That opened a door for me and I jumped through it. I started saying it more and more, I only wanted to eat junk food. I mean what little kid wouldn't?! They would try the technique of sitting at the table for hours. I knew they weren't going to let me starve, so I waited them out. I started to believe my own lie and that is how it manifested from there. My childhood was a rough one so I clung to the only thing I could control, food. It became a legitimate fear I think around 10ish. The more they tried to force me the more upset I became. They pushed and I would push back harder. That's when the panic attacks started. Everyone would always pressure me about food everywhere I went and it fed into my anxiety. I've always had anxiety issues, I had a problem with socks between 4-8 I think..I can't quite remember exactly. Anyways, that's how it started. Because my parents let a 5yr old make her own decision and control something. *I think this is a great example of why children should never be allowed to make their own decisions until an appropriate age*. Lately my health has been declining. I lost 15lbs in the past 2 months, I'm dizzy all the time, I can't focus, I'm shakey, I have consistent heartburn, and I'm always exhausted. The reason why the food issue was never properly addressed is because the depression was a bigger issue at the time. Now that I finally have that under control and have my past worked out through therapy. It's time for me to tackle this thing. It's the most ridiculous and stupid thing ever. Being scared of food. Granted, if it wasn't food it would be something else. But the fact that this could kill me is what's most terrifying. What happens now with food is I simply get overwhelmed and panic. Talking about it, thinking about it, being near it, smelling it, being asked to try it, makes me very anxious and sometimes hysterical depending on what it is. I struggle even with doing dishes because I don't want to touch any of it. I get hysterical in grocery stores, I get really really mad and freak out. I feel like I'm going to pass out and/or ****. Literally anything that has to do with foods that aren't deemed "safe" overwhelms me. I can tell you the most terrifying food to me is lasagna...I can't even look at it. SO. Today, I just contacted a eating disorder treatment center. They want to hospitalize me and keep me there for a while, so they can sit with me through meals. I just got done speaking with the rep and they are trying to work out which psych I will be seeing. As my eating disorder isn't really about body image, it's a phobia/OCD thing. It's literally crippling and even talking to her over the phone about it brought me to tears. Since writing things down helps me process and cope with things, I am going to be posting updates here. I can tell you I really don't want to be hospitalized. But I know it's necessary because how my health is. I'm going to be obsessing over this, the thought of it is very overwhelming.