Fighting Food - Eating Disorder

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by .Delete., Jan 12, 2015.

  1. .Delete.

    .Delete. Senior Member

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    I spoke about this on a few threads and I decided to make my own "journal" of sorts.

    Summay

    I have had an eating disorder since I was 5 years old. It's not puking, binging, or even a weight issue, it's a phobia/OCD issue. I hate food, if I didn't have to eat I wouldn't. So I eat my favorite things only. These are my "safe" foods. Anything outside of that is terrifying. I will legitimately either **** or panic when presenting with something that isn't normal. I eat as little as possible, sometimes I will binge if I really like what I am eating. I was diagnosed with a food phobia when I was 14 and it hasn't been visited since. My health is declining and I fear if I don't get control over this it'll end up killing me.

    I only eat junkfood. I go through phases when I'll eat a specific thing. Right now it's cereal, peanut butter sandwiches, and a few random things. During the summer it was doritos, monster, and mentos. I will crave specific things for a while and then it changes. For most of my life I assumed it was a texture issue. It goes beyond a texture thing and I found this out the hard way. I was eating a grilled cheese and they used a different cheese, it was white. The consistency and taste was the same, the only thing different was the color. I became consumed by the fact that it was white. Everything tuned out and I kept repeating in my head "it's white" puking...on the food....I was so embarrassed and I knew this has got to stop.

    I avoid social situations, family gatherings, even dating because of this. It consumes my life and has controlled me since I could remember. It didn't start off as a fear. It was a manipulation tool I used against my mom. She was abusive and I used food as a way to control her and my father. One day I told my mom when she was offering broccoli "I don't like it" and her response "Then you don't have to eat it". That opened a door for me and I jumped through it. I started saying it more and more, I only wanted to eat junk food. I mean what little kid wouldn't?! They would try the technique of sitting at the table for hours. I knew they weren't going to let me starve, so I waited them out.

    I started to believe my own lie and that is how it manifested from there. My childhood was a rough one so I clung to the only thing I could control, food. It became a legitimate fear I think around 10ish. The more they tried to force me the more upset I became. They pushed and I would push back harder. That's when the panic attacks started. Everyone would always pressure me about food everywhere I went and it fed into my anxiety. I've always had anxiety issues, I had a problem with socks between 4-8 I think..I can't quite remember exactly.

    Anyways, that's how it started. Because my parents let a 5yr old make her own decision and control something. *I think this is a great example of why children should never be allowed to make their own decisions until an appropriate age*. Lately my health has been declining. I lost 15lbs in the past 2 months, I'm dizzy all the time, I can't focus, I'm shakey, I have consistent heartburn, and I'm always exhausted. The reason why the food issue was never properly addressed is because the depression was a bigger issue at the time. Now that I finally have that under control and have my past worked out through therapy. It's time for me to tackle this thing. It's the most ridiculous and stupid thing ever. Being scared of food. Granted, if it wasn't food it would be something else. But the fact that this could kill me is what's most terrifying.

    What happens now with food is I simply get overwhelmed and panic. Talking about it, thinking about it, being near it, smelling it, being asked to try it, makes me very anxious and sometimes hysterical depending on what it is. I struggle even with doing dishes because I don't want to touch any of it. I get hysterical in grocery stores, I get really really mad and freak out. I feel like I'm going to pass out and/or ****. Literally anything that has to do with foods that aren't deemed "safe" overwhelms me. I can tell you the most terrifying food to me is lasagna...I can't even look at it.

    SO. Today, I just contacted a eating disorder treatment center. They want to hospitalize me and keep me there for a while, so they can sit with me through meals. I just got done speaking with the rep and they are trying to work out which psych I will be seeing. As my eating disorder isn't really about body image, it's a phobia/OCD thing. It's literally crippling and even talking to her over the phone about it brought me to tears. Since writing things down helps me process and cope with things, I am going to be posting updates here. I can tell you I really don't want to be hospitalized. But I know it's necessary because how my health is. I'm going to be obsessing over this, the thought of it is very overwhelming.
     
  2. pamnbam

    pamnbam Senior Member

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    ((HUGS)) Delete! Writing about it and making a phone call is your first step to success!

    This must be pretty frightening for you to deal with. Was there a reason why the therapist didn't try to work through the eating disorder during the treatment for depression? Since depression and anxiety are so intertwined it's hard to completely tackle one without touching on the other.

    Your condition is NOT stupid or ridiculous. There are likely others like you out there, and you're providing hope to others by sharing your story. I'm so glad you're tackling this; you're one of my favorite posters here and I love your IG page! We need you to stay healthy so we don't miss your fun and witty posts!

    We're here for venting or help if you need it!
     
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  3. cathrynxox

    cathrynxox Senior Member

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    Proud of you - cannot wait to see what the future holds for you.

    I think you are very brave to make that first step.
     
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  4. Charliemyheart

    Charliemyheart Senior Member

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    Hugs Delete your condition is not stupid or anything else. It is a condition same as any other. I am so proud that you want to get help. Vent if you need to okay.
     
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  5. SparkleDust

    SparkleDust Senior Member

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    Congratulations on taking the first step! It may not be easy, but you WILL conquer this and it will be worth it! :)
     
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  6. Ms_Pigeon

    Ms_Pigeon Senior Member

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    I am SO proud of you. As we've discussed, I'm also diagnosed with OCD and have struggled with orthorexia. I'm a PM away. :)
     
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  7. meljean

    meljean Senior Member

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    I have some of this, more with textures of cloth though. Microfibers....oh God...just kill me now..even thinking about that makes my skin crawl.

    And glad you are doing something about this. Wish I could help.
     
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  8. bobo and horses

    bobo and horses Senior Member

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    Not to take over this thread, but I just wanted to tell Meljean I have the same aversion to microfiber cloths, the stick to my rough dry fingers, gross. Back to regular thread.
     
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  9. ZipAllied

    ZipAllied Senior Member

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    Congrats on taking the very brave step forward!
     
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  10. .Delete.

    .Delete. Senior Member

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    Thank you guys so much for the support. It honestly makes me feel more confident that I can do it with all your support! :loveflag:

    I needed to fix my childhood issues first. The root cause of my anxiety first. Because if I try to tackle the food thing it won't get any better unless I fix the reason why it's there in the first place. My mom is the reason why I have my issues. From infancy to 5 years old she neglected and abused me. From then on it was emotional until she was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. She did a 360, but thats an entire other story.

    It's unfortunate that it's taken me 20 years to figure it all out. It's amazing what can happen when you find the right therapist. Plus, back then...they didn't know what to do. Their answer was "give her more pills"! My elementary years were spent in a drug straight jacket. Now I'm in the right place and I'm really ok with what happened. I forgive my mom and dad for what they did. I'm on a medicine now that works really well for me.

    I feel 100% ready to do this and to take control of my life. It's just incredibly terrifying and my stomach is so tight from stress I can hardly stand up straight. I really do appreciate you guy's support. I have a million things going through my head, I'm worried about my absence at work too. What kind of mess I'll come back to. On the bright side I'm getting a tattoo in 2 days, a start of a half sleeve. That's something I have to look forward to. I also have to meet with my university advisor to submit my withdraw on Friday. The treatment center wants me to come up on Tuesday next week at two. Goodness, I don't know if i'll sleep tonight. I feel like it's all happening so fast and all at once
     

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